No relationship is perfect and problem-free, it’s clear that all marriages take work, commitment, and effective communication of needs, expectations and desires. Marriage isn’t necessarily hard, but it becomes harder when people “go stupid.” Essentially, when one or both partners behave out of anger, anxiety, hurt, defensiveness, maliciousness, our problems escalate quickly.
Overall, there are common issues in most marriages where conflict is higher:
- One partner is trying to change the other. The more one partner tries to “perfect” the other, the less perfect that person will become as the struggles grow. The truth is that the best you can do is change who you are, your approach to the relationship, and how you respond to your partner. After all, you married them for who they are, right?
- Talking at as opposed to talking with your partner. The act of simply talking does not translate into effective communication. Constant complaints, repeated criticisms, playing victim, trying to create guilt, yelling, telling your partner what to do, etc., are not communication openers. At best, they are communication road blocks and barriers. Listening (i.e., being present to the other) and speaking with intent are two of the deepest forms of intimacy in any relationship.
- Loss or decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy. A partner who is emotionally absent, disengaged and not caring or concerned can lead to a drop in emotional and sexual intimacy.
- Loss of focus and awareness or being mindful of your partner due to issues with finances, in-laws, a newborn child, work pressures, and a mental health condition or addiction can lead to emotional distancing and loss of connection.
- Emotional or physical affair. Even a micro-affair (when one partner behaves in secrecy and deception with someone outside the relationship) can lead to long term strain and damage to a relationship. Most affairs begin harmlessly, but soon escalate.
- Difficulty letting go of the past or not forgiving past behaviors. Many marital and relationship problems stem from one or both partners refusing (even if subconsciously) to let go of the past. Letting go does not mean ignoring or sweeping issues under the rug; it does mean not carrying these issues into future arguments.
- Finances. Different values and spending habits occur in 10-20% of relationships. One partner wants to save, the other feels compelled to spend. One partner wants to spend the annual bonus on a new car, the other on the kitchen or living room.
- Ignoring the little things that make the relationship special. Not appreciating each other, focusing on work or money or the kids, not attending to the romantic part of the relationship, not listening, and not acknowledging how much you value the other person.
- Spending too much time and emotional energy plugged in to social media and technology in general, at the expense of spending time with your partner.
- Constantly looking for the negative or for what is not working. This is similar to high criticism, but more generalized in that the partner approaches the relationship with a negative attitude, is emotionally dry and vacant, and through this lens sees mostly what is wrong in the relationship.