60+ Sex Quotes That (Almost) Capture What It’s Like

By | March 5, 2021

How do you put sex into words? It isn’t always easy. Sex can be a tornado of emotions and physical sensations swirling around in a way that’s impossible to pin down. Sex is also different for everyone, and the experience may change depending on your relationship or stage of life.

Perhaps the answer is that there’s no one way to describe sex; there are tons. Here, we rounded up the best quotes about sex from celebrities, writers, comedians, and sex experts. If you’re someone who enjoys sex, you’ll definitely appreciate these.

Funny Sex Quotes

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.” ―Oscar Wilde

“Sex is part of nature. I go along with nature.” —Marilyn Monroe

“A career is wonderful thing, but you can’t snuggle up to it on a cold night.” —Marilyn Monroe

“If I’m going to be a symbol of something, I’d rather have it sex than some other things we’ve got symbols of.” —Marilyn Monroe

“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” —Marilyn Monroe

“Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.” —Charles Bukowski

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” —Joan Rivers

“I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.” —Joan Rivers

“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.” —Joan Rivers

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex that I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” —Joan Rivers

“The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.” —Chris Rock

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” —Lily Tomlin

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.” —Fran Lebowitz

“My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don’t have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose intolerant.” —Margaret Cho

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” —Chelsea Handler

“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second … or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.” —Chelsea Handler

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“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.” —Chelsea Handler

“In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.” —Nora Ephron

“If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.” —Frank Zappa

“Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” ―Suze Orman

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” —Steve Martin

“Why be uptight about bowel movements and sex? We all have sex. We all have penises—except for those of us who have vaginas.” —Howard Stern

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” —George Carlin

“Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!” —George Bernard Shaw

the young couple kissing in the bed

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Celebrity Sex Quotes

“If I was a man, I would want to know what it’s like to have sex with myself. I would just want to know what it would feel like.” —Kim Kardashian

“[Sex is] the only way that we create and it’s the only way that the world keeps going. It’s ignorant to not talk to your kids about it or make it seem like it’s not as cool or magical as it actually is.” —Miley Cyrus

“I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age. Everything that’s legal, I’m down with. Yo, I’m down with any adult—anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me.” —Miley Cyrus

“Fasting made a lot of sense, because once, I was in rehab for a pornography addiction, and they put me and my wife on a 90-day sex fast.” —Terry Crews (talking to Men’s Health about why he does intermittent fasting)

“Everyone probably thinks that I’m a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I’d rather read a book.” —Madonna

“If I’m not interested in a woman, I’m straight-forward. Right after sex, I usually say, ‘I can’t do this anymore. Thanks for coming over!’” —Vince Vaughn

“John [Legend] and I had a double date, and we were joking around, and I go, ‘John’s never seen my butthole. And John says, ‘Are you kidding? Every time anyone does anything doggy style, you see a butthole. I see it every time.’ I was like, ‘We are never doing it doggy style again.'” —Chrissy Teigen

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“Because I’m an overeater—when I eat, I eat. And I’m eating till I do not want to be seen or felt. We’re so full, and we eat very late, around 10.30 or 11pm, because my meals tend to take a very long time. So I cannot tell you the last time we had night sex. We’re very much into, like, middle-of-the-night, morning and random daytime sex—because that’s how important food is.” —Chrissy Teigen

“I couldn’t possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!” —Russell Brand

“I would rather have a cup of tea than sex.” —Boy George

“I need more sex, OK? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world.” —Angelina Jolie

gay couple embracing in bed

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Feminist Sex Quotes

“To me, sex is power. It’s empowering when you do it because you want to do it.” —Rihanna

“A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.” —Gloria Steinem

midsection of couple romancing on bed at home

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Quotes About Good and Bad Sex

“The real lover is the man who can thrill you by touching your head or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.” —Marilyn Monroe

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” —Mae West

“Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.” —Andy Warhol

“Self-respect. It would make me lovable. And it’s the secret to good sex.” —Susan Sontag

love couple at home

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Wise Sex Quotes

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” —Oscar Wilde

“Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” —James Baldwin

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” —Deepak Chopra

“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” —Sophia Loren

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” ―Hunter S. Thompson

“An intellectual is a person who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.” —Aldous Huxley

“Sex is like money. Only too much is enough.” —John Updike

“Sex: In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact.” —Marlene Dietrich

“For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.” —Isabel Allende

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“It’s safe to say that most sex involves some form of nostalgia for something. Sex is a nostalgia for when you used to want it, sometimes. Sex is nostalgia for sex.” —Andy Warhol

“Sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love.” ―Gabriel García Márquez

gay couple kissing and make sex in the bed

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Quotes About Sex and Food

“Good food does lead to sex. As it should.” —Anthony Bourdain

“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.” —Billy Joel

“Humans love sex, we need sex, it’s how we connect, it reminds us we’re alive, it’s the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.” —Billy Crystal

erotic view of man and woman embracing

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Quotes From Sex Therapists and Researchers

“Most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things that we will demonstrate against during the day—the erotic mind is not very politically correct.” —Esther Perel

“Engage in sex in the morning, when the testosterone level is highest and after a good night sleep for her. Have a little breakfast, hang the phone off the hook, go back into bed.” —Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“Boredom is the biggest problem. The same position. Same day of the week. It becomes boring when you don’t bring any added flowers home.” —Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.” —Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“Don’t criticize in the sack. Discuss constructively later.” —Dr. Ruth Westheimer

“Males do not represent two discrete populations; heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats, and not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behaviour, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.” —Alfred Kinsey

“The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.” —Alfred Kinsey

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